LJM Impression

It is a pleasure, and an honor, to know LJM.

We have been knowing each other for almost two years. Initially we met at a welcome party at K's house at Harvard. Later I participated in a course he and K co-taught in EALC. We also had several individual meetings that engaged topics both within and beyond academics. He is indeed fascinating to talk with.

Now since I came to Taiwan, I have more opportunities to meet him and his family. He is truly a generous, humble, and caring person, a remarkable teacher and a genuine friend to me. Last night, I went to his place to have a farewell dinner with him, and had a long conversation with him. Most of time, our topics have nothing to do with academics.

LJM talked about how our personal lives tangle with family background, especially our relation with our parents. Our personality is fundamentally shaped by how we were raised, and in his view, we tend to project that onto our relation with our partners, whether we are aware of or not. Marilyn Monroe is a beautiful woman, but she divorced three men in her short life. This possibly results from her constant, sometimes excessive, demand of love and attention from her partners because she did not have it when she was young. She was an orphan. The thought is Freudian, but I reckon the reasoning based on my own experience. I wonder, sometimes, to what degree my own life, especially my emotional life has been influenced by my relation with my parents. Quite a lot, I believe.

Furthermore, LJM talked about scholars in general. He thinks that all scholars in the world are perfectionists, but perfectionists of two groups. That is, the obsessive-compulsive type (强迫型) and the narcissistic type (自恋型). The former has a close-to-impossible standard for their academic achievement, so he/she continues working for that goal without feeling satisfied. The latter feels strongly about self-capacity, and constantly demands others' positive evaluation and applause to reinforce that conviction. The two types work from different directions to achieve perfection: the former from within oneself - he/she may be a bit machinist; the latter from outside - he/she strives for external recognition.

How about myself? I believe that I am a perfectionist, 80%OC, 20%N. For most times, I work for my own sense of fulfillment, even that engages a bit of maconism. Other times, I image situations in which my contributions, often veiled by my humbleness and low-key behavior, are eventually recognized and appreciated by the world. No matter how low-key I am, I believe there is a trace of ambition in me, reflected by a desire for recognition. Ah, the vanity of being a scholar!

I don't know how to handle these sentiments. As a student, I have been enjoying my academic life, especially in the past year of traveling-study(游学). But once I graduate and get a job in the academics, I may understand more what LJM talked about. Everyone has a dark side in himself. And for a scholar, this dark side may manifests in powerful ways precisely because scholars are also alike. Even I perceive myself as a nice and easygoing person, can I survive in this world without revealing my dark side. I still believe there is a possibility of doing that. But only time can tell. I have been hiding in the schools throughout my life, so the test is in front of me. It is a bit scary to look forward, but I have no other ways...

At least I have some role models, like LJM himself.