Birthday Thoughts

Today, I am turning 46.

It is also my first birthday being a dad. That is incredible in retrospect.

Six years ago, on my 40th birthday, I reflected on my career and personal life. I set up two goals: to get tenure in six years and to find a partner in the following decade.

Gladly, I achieved the first goal last year. Now looking back, I found myself being conservative for the second one. Shortly after I wrote those words, I met Igel in Toronto (Mar. 2017), got engaged two years later (Mar. 2019), got married a year after (Aug. 2020), and now, amazingly, just became a dad (Dec. 2022). In less than six years, I have finished a home run! 

Still, given my extraordinarily long student life and the postponement of personal matters as a result, I am an old father. Hopefully, with the wisdom accumulated in the past decades, I can do the job fine.

As Lumiere enters our world, life will change dramatically. Watching her grow is amazing, and we also hope that in the process she will help us grow. At least for me, I want to remain true to myself, but also getting transformed by the expanded family, to be less self-absorbed, to better balance life and work, to find new meanings, and perhaps hope, in this troubled world.

On parenting, a colleague assured us: "There is no better place to be."

Usually at my age, mid-age crisis kicks in. There are certainly many challenges ahead: raising Lumiere, further developing my career, taking care of parents, dealing with endless logistics, among others. There is no set path for everyone. But as long as I remain open and honest, and willing to seek help when necessary, I think I should be OK.

All joy and no fun! That may be the paradox of parenting. It is a unique experience of co-growing with another person. It is also quite different from career goals: I can set up a concrete goal to try to accomplish it in certain years. But parenting is different. There is no set time limit; it is a life-long learning experience. To recognize that, I would say, is a powerful way of shifting my perspective on life.

With that in mind, I am not setting up any concrete goals here. I want Lumiere to be healthy and happy on her long life journey. It is my pleasure to take this journey with her, to explore the world together and to find the inner truths of myself.

New Year Resolutions (2023)

Another year has passed. Now we are entering 2023!

2022 was a transitional year for me. In Sept., I became an Associate Professor officially. Since tenure promotion was such a long process, the tail of it was not as exciting as the moment in 2021, when I got my first book published. It was an important confirmation nonetheless, which means that I can relax a bit and think about my future career goals and other dimensions of my life.

Life was as busy as usual. Without the tenure pressure, everything seems to slow down, and I have to admit that I didn't get as much done as what I listed in 2022 resolutions. It is also about the change of mode for my research. Instead of putting everything aside and just focusing on work, it is better, and more sustainable, to have a routine work schedule, properly balanced with other things in life. Still learning that...

There was also a major change in my life that dwarfed everything else in 2022: I became a dad. As writing of it now, I still couldn't believe it. It started in Hawaii in March, and Igel and I believed that we were blessed by a goddess residing in the Mount Ka'ala, in which we hiked. Afterwards, we paid numerous visits to the OB office, MFM, and blood clinics to assure the proper progression of Igel's pregnancy, which consumed much of our time. In retrospect, those visits have become nice memories of the bonding between me, Igel, and the baby. The delivery itself, which just happened less than two weeks ago (Dec. 20), was quicker and smoother than we expected, as we were supported a group of nice, genuine, and capable nurses and doctors. In the blink of an eye, the baby was out, which has changed my life permanently!

Two days after our baby was born, a historical blizzard hit Buffalo, taking the lives of close to 40 people. We gave our baby the name Lumiere, hoping that she can bring some light and warmth to this tough winter, and soften the firm realities of this world. 2022 was not a good year for the world. Russian's invasion of Ukraine in March, and the ensuing war have claimed numerous lives and cast an ominous shadow on the stability and peace of the world. Chinese government's draconian policy on Covid control for most of the year, followed by an astonishing quick abolishment of that policy in the last month of the year, has led to disastrous consequences, making this winter particularly harsh, if not cruel, for many. After more than three years of the pandemic, it doesn't seem to cease soon in China.

Locally, Buffalo also suffered two traumatic hits in 2022. The TOPS killing of 13 Blacks in May and the historical snowstorm that ravaged the city around Christmas. Authoritarianism, racism, climate change—2022 renders a sobering reminder that this world is far from being fine. As a historian, the relentless realities of this troubling world only confirmed that history is not always in progress.

In this bleak moment of Buffalo, and the world, we welcomed Lumiere, who gives us a flickering light of hope. We had a very good experience during and after the delivery—many colleagues and friends sent good wishes, gifts, and prepared food for us. It is precisely such human kindness, bonding, and solidarity that offer us hope during the longest nights of the winter.   

My resolutions for the new year will be a moving target as our little boss will decide many things for us. So here is a tentative one:

1) On work: Get some development for my second book project, including a) send the review article out soon; b) finish the camphor paper and the edited volume. Meanwhile, get the Chinese translation of my first book done. 

2) On fellowships: I hope I can get one this year (CCKF or IAS at Princeton). If not, give another try this fall.

3) My post-sabbatical leave is coming (2023-24). Make the full use of it, coordinated with childcare. I hope I can spend some time in China. We will see how it goes.

4) Spend time with Lumiere. This will consume lots of my time, happily. It is also a way to support Igel, so she can get more of her work done.

5) Have a new routine, coordinated with Lumiere's schedule. Don't stretch yourself too much. High efficiency during confined hours is the key.

About twenty years ago, when I was reading Ray Huang's autobiography, I saw a picture of him working in his study, piled with books, with his little child sleeping nearby. Now I am doing the same, at a relatively old age, just like Huang! To juggle between work and childcare, that is not an easy task, but a good challenge to take. Good luck!