Janus

Another academic year just passed, so quickly. Compared to my year of traveling and exploring, this was a year of staying and producing. What have I done? Writing two chapters of my dissertation, teaching two courses, submitting a short article, attending a conference, and surviving a harsh winter. Not bad. Of course I can always do more, a sentiment, for better or for worse, readily cultivated at a place like Harvard. But that is often a view in retrospect, not in prospect. It is also a year I clearly felt becoming a senior student, or starting the transition from a student to a scholar - I have become more comfortable calling professors by their first names, I realized that I could offer good comments for my cohort's writings, I started to engage in my dissertation research more deeply. Becoming senior also means an increased awareness of what is coming ahead - to graduate and to find a job. Those are not easy thoughts.

In fact, they are not. Since six and a half years old, I have been in school - non-stop, that is, 31 years (82% of my life). I have enjoyed most part, especially the past five years when I was doing what I like. Now I am about to enter the transitional stage of my life - from a permanent student to a scholar/teacher. It wouldn't be much different since I still want to stay in academia. But it will be a change nonetheless, and I need to prepare for it. Most importantly, I think this transition entails two developments. First, a strong view or justification of the way I do my research. I could be sympathetic to other people's approach and appreciative of the value of their works, but I cannot be an absolute relativist. I must develop my own professional voice. Professors tend to be opinionated. I think that is true. Second, the confidence or comfort of engaging in scholarly activities. I often get nervous when I participate in scholarly conversation - seminar participation, conference talk, teaching, etc. - as if every activity was an exam to be passed. No more exams. They are opportunities to learn and improve. It takes both knowledge and experience, together with a healthy dose of self-awareness, to be more relaxed and spontaneous. The fun part should be always there.

The summer is coming. Nice weather aside, it is also a good season to get things done. This means more chapters to be written, more preparation to be done for job-hunting. But most importantly, I need to keep a good rhythm of life and get comfortable with the upcoming transitional stage, no matter how it unfolds. Anxious but hopeful, humble but assertive, prepared but not to the frozen degree that kills joy. That is my goal. 

Janus is the Roman god with double faces looking to the past and to the future. It generally means beginning and transition (hence January as the first month of the year). For me, it is the beginning of the end - the end of my current PhD, and the end of my long student life. It is also a transition to a new stage of my life, with uncertainties and possibilities. But I am generally hopeful, for something new and exciting coming up soon. Janus, be my guide!