That is sort of scary. I am entering the fifth decade, and have passed the mid-point, approximately, of my life.
I don't remember how I celebrated my 10th or 20th birthday, if at all. But I do remember my 30th. That was 2007, when I was in Ann Arbor, approaching graduation. I sent an email to my lab mates, calling for a bar night. One of them, my good friend Dave, replied: "Yan, were we precocious guys, your kid could have entered the college, and mine just graduated."
Ten years have passed. Following the logic, my kid could have their first-born or even second-born already. It is strange to think about life in that way.
That is the track I could have taken, but I didn't. Instead, I switched career, did another PhD, and just started my first job ever. It is an unconventional track, but I am content with what I did and with what I have achieved thus far.
It is interesting to think that I spent the prime time of my life in school, and as I just started working, I only have 20 years to go, that is, less than the years I spent in school. On the other hand, academic life doesn't really have an ending; it is a life-long journey. In that regard, I still have 30-40 years, hopefully, ahead of me. That is plenty of time to do lots of things.
Of course there are practical considerations, like getting tenure—I will know the result five years from now when I am 45. But this is the moment to put things in perspective. If my pursuit of a humanistic career in the past decade can be called a success, the question is what I really want to do with it in the following decade. I switched the field because, simply put, I like history. Nothing more, nothing less. To do things one truly loves is a blessing, but I wonder whether there is something beyond personal satisfaction that I can strive for in the following years. Something not just out of passion but also out of responsibility. It sounds noble, and I haven't had a clear picture yet.
Another change I would like to see in the next decade is on the personal level. I am a loner, and I enjoy being alone. When I was a kid, I could spend hours watching people playing chess on the street for hours without getting bored. I still feel the most comfortable and free when I am by myself. But the flip side of this life style is loneliness. This feeling is particularly strong after I moved to Buffalo last fall, adjusting to the new environment, dealing with heavy workload, and having few friends.
Things are getting better. At this moment I feel much more comfortable with Buffalo, and a strong sense of getting settled. The recent purchase of a house helps; the presence of parents helps also. But in the long run, it would be nice to be with someone. I dare not to plan anything beyond that, but if I can find someone in this coming decade, I would be happy.
Confucius teaches that when one turns 40, they become free of perplexities. I do feel less perplexed now in terms of career path. But there are many other decisions in life that I need to make. I may never be free of doubts, but after all that may not be a bad thing.
The past decade has been a good one, arguably the best in my life so far. I very much enjoyed the process of switching career. Now I am pretty much settled on the track of history, and I will see where I can find new excitement and fulfillment. I may not get completely settled due to my spirit of exploration and intense curiosity. But again that may not be a bad thing.
The fifth decade, I am coming, with vigor, composure, and, hope!
Way to go, bro~
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